It’s Ok To Not Be Ok Recently I decided to start journaling my progress throughout the journey of my process. Truth be told I have been in a rut for quite some time now. I have become quite good at masking how I have really been feeling. Of course I have good days and thankfully those have been the days where I have I have been in the public eye. But then there are those days were it takes everything for me to just get through the day.
I am a very analytical person, so I overthink a lot. I attempt to be aware of my feelings and the things that may cause me to end up in a downward spiral. The thing is though, I can’t really pinpoint what happens. Most times I just find myself down and out. What’s worse is that during these times I become even harder on myself because I don’t believe that I have a reason to feel the way that I am. I am learning that I don’t have to always have a reason. Sometimes it’s just one of those days and that is ok. I am not one of those people that will openly admit that something is wrong. I will do my best to present myself as this strong willed person that nothing ever gets to. But the truth of the matter is I cause myself greater distress by doing this. And on top of that I become upset with those that are close to me for not recognizing that I am in a spiral and coming to see about me. For me there was some validity in this approach but it was also unfair to those around me.
When things go haywire in my brain I withdraw, whether I know the reason or not. I am not one to talk about my problems or lay my burdens on the shoulders of others. Withdrawing into myself is my safety zone. No one can hurt me there. It also allows me the opportunity to rationalize and figure out what in the world is going on. My thought process is to filter out what is true or not true about my situation. Then, I think about those around me and the things that they are dealing with and determine that I have no rational reason to be in the space that I’m in; which, in turn, sends me even deeper into my spiral. Crazy right?
If I learn to properly evaluate what’s going on within me, there is the possibility that I could eliminate many of the false notion that I have created. This is not to say that I am wrong for feeling as I do. I know that there are times that there is a chemical imbalance that I have no control over. What I am saying here is that maybe if I reached out and talked to someone I would have been better able to process what was going on in my head. Now I am isolated and more deranged thoughts creep in and cause me to believe things that aren’t necessarily true. They may have some truth to them but due to my clouded judgment I can’t separate things. What I have to learn is that it’s ok to not be ok. It doesn’t make me a weak person. It doesn’t mean that people are against me. It just means that in that particular moment I am not ok. I mean, life happens. Things get overwhelming and hectic. I lose my balance. Realizing and understanding that life happens for everyone will help me to not take it personal when things don’t go as I plan. I have to be fair to those in my corner. Either I will allow them to be there or I won’t. Either I will share my vulnerabilities and my fears or I won’t. If I expect others not to place their expectations on me, then I have to do the same. I also have to overcome the fears of being judged. I have a huge issue with what people think of me. I have gotten beyond the place of expecting everyone to like me, but that is only applicable to those that don’t know me. This is where change needs to occur for me. Even if the person knows me I have to be ok with them seeing my vulnerabilities and knowing that there will be times that they won’t agree or like a decisions that I have made. The first step to getting better is acknowledging the areas in which I can do better in. While I feel that I’m being hurt, I have to consider how I am hurting those that love me by withdrawing into myself. So, as the day progress I will continue to strive for growth. I have to accept me before I can ever expect someone else to do the same. I’m going to take a deep breath, stop being so hard on myself and focus on taking things as they come. Will everyday be good, no. But if I make it through the day that will be enough. Until next time.