I have often considered myself a strong person. No, I don’t have it all together, but for the most part I consider myself to be pretty stable. But then there are those times where I feel completely helpless and weak. My thoughts become so dark and daunting that I am hopelessly lost. To be completely vulnerable and honest, that’s where I am now. I have cried more in the past few weeks than I have in my life (maybe an exaggeration) but it’s how I really feel. I just wish my brain would shut off. The never-ending thoughts, the constant battle between reality and perception. I’m just tired. I have dealt with depression for the majority of my life, and I had thought that I had gotten a hold of it. You know, did the therapy, learned the different methods to counteract going deeper into this deep dark hole that I have found myself in yet again. Yet here I sit.
These days it doesn’t take much to send me spiraling. I don’t like this place I am in. I can’t explain how I got here, and I don’t know how to get out. To talk about it out loud only make me feel worse because no one gets it. They say pray, worship, journal. I’ve have been doing all of that, yet nothing. What’s worse is the fact that I guess people expect me to come to them. How do you do that when you have no answers? How do you do that when you feel guilty about feeling the way you do? How do you do that when you feel no one will understand? How do you do that when you feel that no one really cares anyway. Most of the time I feel that I am being tested. Even more than that, I feel alone. I have always been a person that’s there for others. I always ask how you are doing (and not just on the surface). Yet when I am down and out, no one comes and sees about me. What makes me different? When did I stop needing to be poured into? What makes another person’s journey more important than my own? Why do I have to be the one to come? Why can’t you come to me? This only further reiterates my thoughts that I am invisible and that I don’t matter. That is unless there is a need from me. I’m just tired.
The thoughts of taking my life have been running rampant in my mind. I mean what’s the point of being here, no one cares anyway, right? Here’s the catch though, at the thought of taking my life the following thoughts are, that’s selfish. It’s not fair to everyone else. They don’t deserve to go through that. So even in my own despair I can’t get away from thinking about others and how what I do will make them feel. It sucks! I’m hurting, I’m angry and even in that all I can do is pray. Why must I be the one? What lesson am I supposed to be gaining from this? I tell people to trust the process, but I don’t. I have no rational reason to do so. I understand that there are those with far more going on in their lives than what I have going on, so how dare I make a big deal out of my headspace?
At the end of the day, I just want my mind to rest. I want to feel appreciated. I just want to be seen and people not take it personal that I have moments of weakness. I feel that love for me has become conditionally unconditional. As long as I am in a good space, I am loved but the moment I falter it’s abandon ship. I’ll love you as long as you’re good. But I don’t see or hear from you when they are not. I feel like I am drowning and being blamed because I can’t swim. People are standing at the edge of the pool telling me to get myself out, but no one will reach down to help me, so I’m dying and it’s my own fault. They say what’s in you will come out. I guess it’s safe to say that I know God is in me because through it all the spirit intercedes on my behalf. How do I know, because I am sitting here typing this. When I’m so angry and I go to speak I can only pray in the Spirit. How ironic is that? God is showing me that I am not alone, and when I don’t know what to pray or say Holy Spirit intervenes. Am I ok? Definitely not! Do I have hope that I will be? Some days yes, other no. It is what it is. I’m wavering on that thin line of I’m fine/Help me.
What do I want people to take from this? Be understanding, don’t take it personally, know that I am fighting to get through this. If you see me, come to me, I don’t have the strength to come to you. Check on me. Don’t see it as a test or a place that I shouldn’t be in. Love me where I am. The biggest thing you can do to help me is to see me. Let me know that I’m not in this thing alone. And if you do come to me, do it in love and be patient because trust is very hard for me right now. Don’t be condescending, allow me to feel how I feel and be encouraging. It’s not about how you deal with the issues, remember, I am not you. It’s hard enough showing up but I do, sometimes that has to be enough. I am making an effort. There is so much more that I can say but I’ll stop here. If you took the time to read this and can relate to any part, it is my prayer that you are strengthened and that you know that you are not alone. By God’s grace we’ll get through it.
The Invisible Girl